Poetry Through the Ages for October

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Don't Stay—2004. Age 15​

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I sit here,

Waiting,

Waiting for you to return.

I look over here,

Depressed.

Depression takes its tole of what I have lost.

I listen over here,

Deafness,

Deaf to my only pain;

You.

 

You tear me apart,

Rip me from the inside.

I need you to do this,

To show me my place.

You look here,

Laughter in your eyes,

The laughter dies when you look at me.

My own eyes are filled with depression,

Help me see you are love.

 

I am a wall of ice,

Don’t try and comfort me,

It won’t work.

I want to stay distant,

As distant as I can.

You come towards me,

I step back,

You scream “there is a cliff behind you!”

I fall violently,

I fall into the black nothingness of my own sorrow,

And I am here,

No more.

 

Analogy

 

I sit here,—

As the first line, there isn’t a way to decide the  “I” is, so we should go from what we have. A space where someone can sit, and the mention of “I” probably means the poet. In my other poems, the poet itself and you, as the reader, were also involved but poems can’t sit because they don’t have an ass to use for sitting, and it’s probably both: You, as the reader, because there is no way for the poet to know if you are sitting, standing, or in any other position. Why did the poet feel it necessary to state that they are sitting?

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Waiting,—

Who is waiting? Is the poet waiting for someone to find them as they sat down, or is the poet waiting for the poem to end so they can get up and move? In this case, the poem could be referring to you, as the reader. You could be waiting for the poem to tell you a story, you could be waiting for the poem to end, although as the second line of the poem, this most likely isn’t the case. The poet could also be waiting for the poem to reveal its true intention of leaving, where the words would disappear from the page (since the poem’s title is Don’t Stay) and the poet would have nothing to write or share with their readers. If a poem stops existing, should the poet who wrote it still be called a poet? The poet could also be waiting for themselves to leave, from a psychological capacity, to remove themselves from the situation where they spend time waiting for things to play out, instead of taking action.

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Waiting for you to return.—

With this line, the tone of the poem changes and possibly the direction where the people in the poem are the ones waiting and not the poet or the reader. Who is this “you” the poet is referring to? Is this why they waited in the beginning of the poem by sitting and waiting? If we look at the lines in isolation, the poet is waiting for something to happen, and then their perspective changes to waiting for someone to return. Why did this person leave, and why are they coming back? Another question could be: Does the returning person have good intentions for the person who is waiting? How would the poet, or you, as the reader, know how the returning person has changed for the better or worse? This could also be a case of Death returning to the scene of the crime where the person who was waiting for Death anyway.

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I look over here,—

The word “here” is a bit more specific than “there” since “here” suggests a specific place in the poets (or whoever is speaking) that they can see and acknowledge within their personal space. Most people don’t say “Over there is where we’ll have our lunch/we will find what we need over there” if the “there” area is close, or close enough for people to see. We instead say “We’ll have our lunch here/here is a nice spot for a holiday”. This implies a sense of familiarity, and in the context of the above line, a sense of familiarity might be needed if the person the poet was waiting for was Death. The familiarity of a life lived; of the surroundings usually associated with the dying (personal items or a hospital setting) and a familiar scene the dying person finds comfort in, or an unpleasant scene, Death showed them out of spite.

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Depressed.—

Pay attention to the finality of this line, as well as the word. Depressed, in a prose setting, can be a sentence on its own and most people know what depression is—at least the basics—so this line could set the mood for the lines that follow. If we believe that Death was the one to return for the poet, and given the finality of this last line, can we assume that Death returned for the poet because the poet killed themselves and Death has come to collect?

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Depression takes its tole of what I have lost.—

In this line, the direction and person in question has changed. If the poet (or whoever Death came for) isn’t dead but instead states that depression affects what the poet has lost, how could the poet know they lost something if they are dead? Who’s going to tell them, or more importantly, how will they hear it after they die? Will Death tell them what their depression took from them? What purpose will that serve? In this sense, the word ‘tole’ isn’t a payment as in ‘toll’ but instead a form of intricate metalware that the poet may have in their home, or on display in the area they focused on earlier. Could this be used in both ways in this context? In this case, depression can take a toll on the poet’s life because of the burden of the neverending pit that is depression, and Death itself can take their (the poet’s) tole item as payment for carrying their body over the threshold.

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I listen over here,—

Again, the mention of “here” as in a specific location, usually with familiarity. What is the poet or the other person listening to? Sound hasn’t come up in this poem so far, so what sound could it be? Could the poet feel the sound through the words and how they should sound according to what they have experienced in the past, or are these sounds the sounds of depression that the poet or the other person feels? What does depression sound like anyway? If depression is silent, will the poet know it’s there?

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Deafness,—

This is the second time the notion of sound comes up, but this is the opposite of sound. How did the poet or the other person become deaf? Weren’t they dead? How can dead people know they are deaf? There could be a case where the ear canal receives sound (before decomposition starts), but without a way to process these vibrations, sound doesn’t exist for a dead person. Does that mean all dead people are deaf (and blind, if we use the same logic of the mechanics of the eye), or are they just dead and that covers everything? If the poet was deaf, according to this line, how could they have listened to anything a few lines ago? Does the poet or other person not know they are deaf so they listen for sounds anyway and only realize they are deaf when they can’t hear anything? Do you think this works the same with Death? How would the dead person have the intention to do anything, find out they can’t, and then realize they are dead? Would the realization of the poet or the other person being dead fall on loved ones who they spend their time with? They would ask the poet to do something, like “wake up”, realize they can’t, and make this realization on behalf of the poet?

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Deaf to my only pain;—

Again, this line changes the context of the previous line. The poet isn’t deaf (or dead, otherwise where would these lines come from?), but this line could also mean that their depression or Death, who is waiting for them, is deaf to something that causes the poet pain. The word “pain” hasn’t come up in the previous lines, so how would you, as the reader, know the poet was in pain? Because they spoke of depression and how they waited for Death to come?

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You.—

While the other lines have been a bit ambiguous about the intended target, this “you” is very (or should be) clearly you, as the reader. What have you, as the reader, done to the poet to cause them pain, and more importantly, their only pain? Could this be because you, as the reader,  are the only other being in this transaction, the transaction of poet and reader? What about the ‘other person’ discussed earlier in the analogy? Could this be the poem itself if we use my earlier poems (if you haven’t read them yet, I suggest you do ☺), who also has a say in what the poet experiences, or is the other person Death themselves? If this other person were you, as the reader, what would be the cause of you being the poet’s (only) pain? Is it because they are forced to write until you are satisfied with the story, or is it because the poet can’t express everything they are feeling at the moment (depression, etc.) in the limiting lines on the page?

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You tear me apart,—

How do you think you, as the reader, can interfere with the poet or poem itself? Do you think reading poetry is a passive activity? If you can influence the poet, how could you tear them apart? If the poet is sure that you, as the reader, can tear them apart, it could be because they made themselves vulnerable by putting their feelings and fears on the page, and they understand that you, as the reader, can choose to ignore the words on the page or even worse, not finish the poem at all. If you think about books in the same way, whenever you don’t finish a book, the author's intention and dreams for their story die when you stop reading. I have caused the Death of many stories like this; I am extremely picky when it comes to books, haha. If we consider the poem and poet in this context, you, as the reader, have the ability to tear their dreams into pieces, except you wouldn’t know what their dreams are if you didn’t finish the poem.

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Rip me from the inside.—

This line, although seemingly violent, could be a way for the poet to understand their own predicament of being at the reader’s mercy: If you, as the reader, ‘rip them’ (the poem) from the inside, this would mean that you are already on the inside to use this ability. The question is: How did you get there? Were you there from the beginning, since a poem without a reader isn’t really a poem, or did you climb inside when you realized you have the power to control what the poet does or writes based on their interactions with you? There is also another possibility: That the person doing the ripping is actually the poet themselves, and the person being ripped from the inside is you, as the reader. Poetry’s intention is to create a response from the reader, but how visceral the response is depends on how easily you, as the reader, identify with the story and sometimes the lesson of the poem. If it is you who is being ripped from the inside (metaphorically), why was your reaction to these words so volatile? Was it the mention of Death, or depression, or the wait for something that may never come? If the poet were able to rip you from the inside, what would you focus on if you say your thoughts and emotions spread around you?

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I need you to do this,—

Who is this “I”? Is it the poet if we base our assumptions on the first part of the previous line analogy? What does the poet need you to do? Is the poet asking you to rip them apart? Why does the poet need you to do this? So they can stop waiting for Death or depression to take over, or so that they understand that you exist and your actions are as important as theirs? Another option could be that the poet needs you to do this (do what? Rip them apart?) so they can be sure that the wait is over. Since this line is almost at the halfway point of the poem, if the poet is waiting for the end of the poem to be released (from Death and depression), they will be waiting for a long time. Alternatively, it could be the reader (who we’ve established has agency) speaking to the poet while stating that they need to poet to do this (rip them from the inside), but the reasons for this aren’t made clear at this stage. Why would you, as the reader, need a poet or anyone to rip you? Notice the poet didn’t say “rip you up” which could imply Death. Instead, the poet omitted the “up” which could mean rip you (or the poet) from an emotional sense.If the poet died (after waiting for Death) and the reader knew the poet, the reader could be ripped up with intense emotion after learning of the death of the poet and by default, their dreams for the end of the poem. There are still a few lines of the poem, though, so clearly the poet isn’t dead.

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To show me my place.—

This is interesting because it’s unclear who is showing whom their place. Does the poet need to do this (rip them) to show them their place in this world and in your mind as the reader, or do you, as the reader, need to be put in your place for whatever reason you think is necessary, according to the poet? If the poet needs to be put in their place, do you think their eventual Death will do the trick, or will they need to be put in place before then? Why would the poet think they need to be put in their place? There could be many reasons for this, the most important one being impatient when they started waiting for Death after they realized their depression was the cause. Did the poet think that Death would come quickly because their depression was overwhelming them and they had to leave the fears and people behind? What about the possibility of the elderly person in the beginning of the poem dying while surrounded by loved ones? They didn’t die because of depression; what purpose would showing them their place serve?

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You look here,—

Who is doing the looking, you as the reader or is Death looking at the poet because they are waiting for the poet to succumb to their depression? Why do you think there are so many lines centered around your sight and smell? If we focus on the title of the poem, many of these things would be forgotten anyway and it’s up to you, as the reader, to remember the poet through the senses they focused on. In this context, it might also be the poet speaking to Death directly as a way of acknowledging that Death is there and it’s only a matter of time before Death looks over and sees an empty bed instead of the poet, regardless of what killed them.

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Laughter in your eyes,—

Why is Death laughing? Do you think Death laughs at those they are meant to be in charge of? With this line, it could be that the person looking at the poet isn’t Death but you, as the reader. This laughter could be cathartic laughter at seeing the poet being released at last, from the grips of depression or old age, and you, the reader, could feel a sense of relief that you aren’t the one dying today. Another reason for the laughter in your eyes could be the laughter of cruelty if you laugh at those who are less fortunate than you. Depression isn’t something everyone experiences, and if you aren’t aware of its effects, you could fall into the trap of assuming depression is just silly sadness and people whould just get over it. On the other hand, you as the reader, could laugh at the elderly because of whatever reason you might have, and in this case, the laughter in your eyes could mean the end of waiting for some old person or some sad person to die.

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The laughter dies when you look at me.—

Aren’t you looking at the poet already? Why would this line be here if you were looking at the poet from the start? Why does the laughter die? If the laughter dies when you look at the poet directly, was the laughter malicious to start of with or was this laughter just an awkward laugh that you did because you didn’t know what else to do? The line states “the laughter” not “your laughter”, could this mean that you weren’t the one laughing in the first place? In this case, who was laughing, could it have been Death when they saw the poet clinging to life and waiting for them until the end, or could Death be laughing at you for trying to change the outcome of the poet’s fate by tearing them apart too soon? Another option could be that the “me” in this is you and not the poet, where “you” is now the poet and the roles are reversed. If this is the case, the laughter of the poet will die when they look at you, as the reader, because you have taken their spot. Taken their spot in Death’s eyes, and taken their spot as the main character of the poem.

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My own eyes are filled with depression,—

If we assume the above is true, it is your eyes and not the poet's eyes that are now filled with depression. How can eyes be filled with depression? Does this mean they are full of tears or are they hollow after years of not caring, or having the ability to care about anything other than their own hollowness?

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Help me see you are love.—

Where does love fit into the picture? This is the first time it’s been written; does the poet mean to say that either Death or depression is love, or should be seen as such for the purpose of this poem and for the poet or you, as the reader, to be shown love during these times? Also, who is the poet asking to help them see that “you are love”? With that line, it could mean that the poet can see you as love (or wants to), and that they see you, as the reader, as Death and depression themselves.

 

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I am a wall of ice,—

Who is “I”, and who is “I” speaking to? From the above line and the previous stanza, we can assume that this stanza is a personal monologue which the poet has the opportunity to say goodbye, since the wait is over for the poet. The wait for Death, depression, or old age. In this case, the poet could be speaking to themselves or you, as the reader, as if you are with them on their final journey. Ice is often associated with Death because of the cold, dead bodies experience after they lose their capacity to pump warm blood through their bodies, but ice and cold are also metaphors for a feeling or emotion where the poet doesn’t open up to those around them, giving the impression of a cold shoulder.

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Don’t try and comfort me,—

Since we’ve established that this stanza is from the poet’s perspective and dialogue alone, they are telling you, the reader, not to comfort them. Why do you think the poet doesn’t want any comfort at the end of their life? Do they not deserve comfort at this time, or do you think they don’t want any comfort because, as a wall of ice, they could make you, as the reader, cold as well, and not able to warm any of your emotions while you sit with them?

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It won’t work.—

Why won’t comforting the poet work? Have they already resigned themselves to what’s left of their life in solitude, or have they seen Death already and they know it’s too late? Another possibility could be that the poet doesn’t want the comforting to work is because the more comfortable you make them at this stage, the more uncomfortable you, as the reader, could become after their passing. The closer you are to the person in the room, the person who is dying, the more their Death will affect you. By trying to persuade you not to comfort them, the poet is trying to protect you, which makes sense after the “Help me see you are love.” line.

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I want to stay distant,—

If we consider the first stanza, the use of “I” is used again, unlike the second stanza, where the word “you” was used more often. If the poet wants to stay distant, why did they agree to have you in the room at all, while they were dying? In some cases, the poet may not have had a choice of letting you, as the reader, in. If they were incapacitated or terminally ill, their only option was to go against what they wanted in the first place: To stay distant. The thing is, the poet didn’t speak about anyone else in the room apart from the poet and Death.

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As distant as I can.—

This implies that there is a minimal distance between you, as the reader, and the poet who wants to stay as distant as they possibly can. Why does the poet want distance from you? Are they afraid of you? How do they know you exist if the only other person with them was Death? Does this mean that the poet sees you as Death? Are you Death to the poet in this context? It is nearing the end of the poem, so the minute you stop reading, it will be the Death of the poet.

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You come towards me,—

In this line, “you” and “me” have changed again. Now that we know that this final stanza is for the poet alone, the “me” in this context is the poet, and the “you” is the reader, so the meanings have gone back to what they were. Why are you coming towards the poet? Is it time for them to meet their fate? If the end of the poem means their Death, how can the poet die of old age or depression as discussed earlier in the poem? Were these lines affected by the reader instead, not knowing how the poet was going to die and assuming the cause of their Death based on their own experiences?

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I step back,—

Why is the poet stepping back? Don’t they want to die, if we read the earlier lines? Could it be that the poet steps back because they realise Death isn’t what they imagined? If they expect the average vision of Death, regardless of what their average is, and their own audience/reader is the one to take them to the other side. How does the poet know there is another side? Did you, as Death, tell them?

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You scream “There is a cliff behind you!”—

Could this be the other side the poet needs to travel to? If there is a cliff close to where the poet and Death sat in a room, the poet might have seen it and assumed that was where they needed to be in life and in Death, or at least to cross over. If the poet’s wish is to die but not to be forgotten, they could focus on the cliff as a dramatic Death where people will crowd around, thanks to their morbid curiosity, and remember the poet and their relationship with Death, so close a relationship that Death visited the poet long before they died.

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I fall violently,—

As the poet, they state that they fell violently, but they don’t specify where they fell or if they were pushed. If their intention was to fall, but they couldn’t see the bottom of the cliff from their window, how would they know they would fall violently? Could they be writing the lines as it’s happening, as they fall, as they die? If so, who is writing the poem? Could it be Death that took over from this line, or could it be you, since the only other person with the poet was Death, and the only other person who was privvy to their thoughts were you.

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I fall into the black nothingness of my own sorrow,—

Is this the poet who falls into blah blah blah or is it you, falling with the poet so you can capture their final moments and thoughts? This line is linked to the earlier possible reasons for the poet’s Death, more specifically, the depression argument where Death was waiting for this moment to come. If it’s the poet who falls, this confirms their cause of Death and as the final lines of the poem is just coincidence.

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And I am here,—

Who is “I”? Is it the poet who saw and planned their Death, or could it be you, as the reader, stating that you are here as the reader and as Death to carry the poet to the cliffs of their afterlife, and where is here? Is it the chair from earlier in the poem, the room where the poet and Death got to know each other, or is “here” where the poem ends, resulting in the Death of the poet, on a piece of paper or screen, sitting in a chair, looking at words that analyse poems?

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No more.—

I’m trying something different from now one: Instead of me analyzing the final line of each poem, I want you, the reader, to analyze it in any way you see fit, based on the rest of the poem, and tell me what you used as your analogy in the forum in the link below. I can’t wait to see your responses!​

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What do you think? Do you agree with my understanding and symbolism? I’d love to know!

 

Please use this [ link ] to the optional forum to start a discussion about the poem. Alternatively, you can use any of the email links from the contact [ page ]